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i no longer
drink every weekend,
thursday through saturday
a handle in my palms

and weeks after i left you
i was raped
and you never knew.
i do not remember
except in photos my memory
took that snapped with
a flash bulb.
my eyes have yet to adjust.

i am not the person you had fallen in love with.

when my friends left me
i curled up in my room,
foetal in my bed
blankets covering my shrinking body.

when i was alone,
i was numb.
i spent all my money,
a weekly gift my father sent
in vain hopes of buoying
my sinking ship,
my diminishing vessel,
and i swallowed mouthful
after mouthful
of sweets
to stop the bitterness.

you never knew because
i am not the person you had fallen in love with.

i sought solace
in the beds of men
i never loved,
i stopped hurting
my body
my corpse
with the sharp taste
of metal,
i never stopped
missing you
and praying in the dark
that i delivered
no fatal blow.

we stopped talking.
you swore an oath to me,
promising with crossed fingers
that all you needed
was time.
the clock ticked
for weeks
for months
for years.

you never answer
my texts.
you have yet
to give me the light
to break the guilt
that still brings me
to cry an ocean
and give my corpse
(the body inside of me)
to the drowned gods
who dwell in the depths.

you ring in my ears
til they pound.
i dream in colours
i do not know
when i am consumed
by the emptiness you
bring me.

but i am learning
to see in the dark.
i am full of light
by the beating of my heart,
the soothing touch
of my world, a stretch of seasons
(winter, spring, summer, fall
winter, spring, summer
and counting)
i am finding my feet
and finding my air--

i am not the person
you had fallen in love with;
i am better.
working through buried feelings
Add a Comment:
 
:iconotherland78:
otherland78 Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2015
oh my that was really touching and somehow sad and wonderful .....hmmm weird what words can make someone think about what happened long ago .....
Reply
:iconcemac:
cemac Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2015
I have included this amazing piece of literature in my new journal feature for February 2015 [LINK] Thank you for the words :heart:
Reply
:iconcemacstock:
cemacStock Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Very powerful, extremely well written and I would imagine cathartic.......an incredible read.
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Aug 6, 2014   General Artist
wringing in my heart, this is :heart:
you are too beautiful for my meek words to belt
Reply
:iconbluesteeleyes:
BlueSteelEyes Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2014  Student General Artist
This is amazing work. Full of feeling, love.
Reply
:iconohsostarryeyed:
ohsostarryeyed Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2014
:glomp:
Reply
:iconpenguinlove2506:
penguinlove2506 Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
The emotion in this is pure and brutally realistic. Fabulous job, cher ^^
Reply
:iconohsostarryeyed:
ohsostarryeyed Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2014
(i love that you called me cher) thank you!
Reply
:iconpenguinlove2506:
penguinlove2506 Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
No worries! (I call everyone cher XD Habit by now) ^^
Reply
:icondamagedhomewrecker:
DamagedHomewrecker Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
this is absolutely powerfully beautifully raw. you are truly amazing.
Reply
:iconohsostarryeyed:
ohsostarryeyed Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2014
thank you so much :heart:
Reply
:iconneonsquiggle:
neonsquiggle Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Painful but so lovely. 
Reply
:iconohsostarryeyed:
ohsostarryeyed Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2014
thank you <3
Reply
:iconlissomer:
Lissomer Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2014  Student Writer
:heart:
Reply
:iconohsostarryeyed:
ohsostarryeyed Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2014
:heart:!
Reply
:iconphantomtigers:
Phantomtigers Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
very powerful Hug 
Reply
:iconohsostarryeyed:
ohsostarryeyed Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2014
thanks!
Reply
:iconshep4life:
shep4life Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
This is really amazing! the end was really beautiful 
Reply
:iconohsostarryeyed:
ohsostarryeyed Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2014
thank you! :aww:
Reply
:iconshep4life:
shep4life Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Most welcome!
Reply
:iconsaevuswinds:
saevuswinds Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2014  Student Writer
This is so emotional and powerful. I particularly liked this stanza:
"i sought solace
in the beds of men 
i never loved,
i stopped hurting
my body
my corpse
with the sharp taste
of metal,
i never stopped
missing you
and praying in the dark
that i delivered
no fatal blow."
Reply
:iconohsostarryeyed:
ohsostarryeyed Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2014
thank you, dear
Reply
:iconsaevuswinds:
saevuswinds Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2014  Student Writer
No problem!
Reply
:iconzwirrow:
Zwirrow Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2014
Beautiful<3
Reply
:iconohsostarryeyed:
ohsostarryeyed Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2014
thank you <3
Reply
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July 17, 2014
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