if i wrote a letter and folded
it into a neat square with four
creases, fumbling, stumbling a's
and b's and no's and yes' would
act like erasers to every thought
i bled onto that page.

if i changed my name, i could
change myself.

if i had a heart, i could love and
i could care and i could stop thinking
about myself and actually do what
i should do and know it's right,
versus what i will do and know i'm
wrong, i'm always wrong.

if i stopped pretending to be
thoughtful, i would be left with
the residue of an unextraordinary
teenage girl with too many selfish
preoccupations to look past her
own nose.

if i let myself see the world for
what it really is, i would find
bits of gravel embedded in my
knees.

if i slipped through the
ice, i would drown. i can't
fight something that cold
and unforgiving. i am human,
i am flaws. listen to me, please.

if i really believed i were
worth something, i'd say so.