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Submitted on
April 17
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(Contains: ideologically sensitive material)
when you lose enough hair in the shower to make yourself a new blanket-
when you have to stand up slowly or risk the floor slapping your cheek-
when you rinse your mouth in the morning and spit out blood-
that should be a warning.

you tell yourself you don't deserve to get better.
like you can only ask to be fixed so many times
before everyone decides you're not worth it.
i'm a broken doll on the shelf with vomit stains on my porcelain fingers,
tear tracks writing stories all over my swollen cheeks.

i am not some kind of special, bulimic fairy. don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

i stretch my sore fingers down my throat
like i might find something more in there
than stomach acid:
like gold or a second of silence or the answer to last week's quiz or
happiness.
or just something less than a deathwish.

i'm pulling up streamers of regrets with every splash.
things get harder when specks start floating in front of your eyes,
your head gets lighter and you think you might be flying or dying and-
you never think a toilet can be your only friend until it is.

when i count the people who still love me i can fit them on one hand.
when i talk it's careful so my face won't look so fat and my teeth aren't so angry.
when asked the last time i was happy i don't have an answer.

my hands look like they're fading black
reminders that i can't turn back.
and god i'm sorry i'm not enough
and god i'm sorry i'm too hard to love.
spoken word, don't think i could do this at a slam though
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:iconwhenyoumessup:
whenyoumessup Featured By Owner May 13, 2014
and god i'm sorry i'm not enough
and god i'm sorry i'm too hard to love.


i know. i'm so sorry.
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:iconohsostarryeyed:
ohsostarryeyed Featured By Owner May 21, 2014
:heart:
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:icongetyourgrip:
GetYourGrip Featured By Owner May 7, 2014
almost cried reading this... in the middle of class.
this is a fucking gem, Isa. so are you.
i'd like to see this read aloud, with an ending inside of you that knows you'll keep being ok.
because you will.
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:iconohsostarryeyed:
ohsostarryeyed Featured By Owner May 21, 2014
wow, thank you so much. i didn't know how i felt about this because i was writing two spoken word pieces at the same time so it was tough to keep straight, but i'm glad it apparently came out well!
Reply
:icongetyourgrip:
GetYourGrip Featured By Owner May 7, 2014
i promise
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:iconecholalic-ellie:
Echolalic-Ellie Featured By Owner Apr 29, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
This is so painful to read. :heart:
Reply
:iconohsostarryeyed:
ohsostarryeyed Featured By Owner May 24, 2014
:heart:
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