Join for FREE | Take the Tour Lost Password?
Shop deviantART for the
holidays and save BIG!
Click here! :holly:
[x]

deviantART

 


how does the sky look from
down there, gutter baby?
you're the black sheep amongst
raindrops, an algaed gargoyle
your headrest.

the sun greets you like she knew
you before, with a hard slap to
the face and a 'good morning,
pretty burn-out.'

you're full of yourself and alcohol,
you are as (w)hole as the
ripped knees in your jeans.

gutter baby, you can't see
the stars tonight with tears
sewing shut your eyelids.

wear your scars like bracelets,
glow-in-the-dark and mercurial.
you lie low in the ink of the dirt,
bumblebee lines racing
down your back.

the fish scales are scraping
the lining of your throat,
alcoholic, anabolic burn to pulse
through your broken chest.

the poplar tree is five miles
away to your low-sunken eyes.
stay in the gutter one
more night, baby.
sleep it all away.
:iconohsostarryeyed:

Author's Comments

find a home back in scraps?

is old. edited. added upon. bah.

Critiques


:icondownwardssaint:
I think the poem is quite exceptional for most of its length. It has the feel of speaking to someone who is living on borrowed misery... and their waking up in the morning to what they've brought on themselves.
It was in the last verse and a half that it broke down a little, for me; the sudden talk of fish scales and a poplar tree felt out of place with the rest of the poem. Or perhaps I am just not getting the symbology that you are using, here.
Overall, very good, and I will definitely favorite it... there are just those last two verses I feel could use some work to bring them in line with the rest of an excellent poem.
The Artist thought this was FAIR
7 out of 7 deviants thought this was fair.

Thank you for your Critique

You are not logged in.

Comments


love 1 1 joy 1 1 wow 1 1 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:iconwilowitch:
the sun greets you like she knew
you before, with a hard slap to
the face and a 'good morning,
pretty burn-out.'

I very much like this paragraph.
I can clearly see it in my head. Some nicely subtle metaphors.

--
Lemons make the world go round in shiny little circles ^^
QUiT steAlin' my StoLeN maTeriA!!!
:iconblonde-walf:
I love this :)

--
...like a bat out of hell!

A poet is a man who puts up a ladder to a star and climbs it while playing a violin.
~Edmond de Goncourt

Vote for which avatar I should use: [link]
:iconthe-last-black-rose:
gutter baby, you can't see
the stars tonight with tears
sewing shut your eyelids.

oowh i likey <3 good work :) x

--
High heaven and earth ail from the prime foundation
All thoughts to rive the heart are here, and all are vain
Horror and scorn and hate and fear and indignation
Why did i awake? When shall i sleep again?
:iconwo-daikiri-ni:
wear your scars like bracelets,
glow-in-the-dark and mercurial.


Fuck, I adore that. I can't get over how pretty it is.

--
5/9/09 Fall Out Boy's Believers Never Die Part Deux
8/1/09 Warped Tour
8/15/09 Blink-182 Reunion Tour
11/29/09 The White Tie Affair's Traveling Talent Show
:heart:
I love Elliot James
:iconglass-swirls:
Ah you use such pretty and amazing words to just like, wow us :)

i love it :)

stay in the gutter one
more night, baby.
sleep it all away.

aaah how do you write such immenseneess?

--
~*~
Elizabeth Swann: Oh fine! Let's just haul out our swords and start banging away at each other! That will solve everything!

I'm the fire fox in deviantART's Mythical Creatures Crew!
:iconcatmunk:
beautiful<3

--
If you're taller than Edward Elric but still shorter than everyone else, put this into your signature :boing:
:iconx8darklife22x:
THIS IS AMAZING!! Absolutely wonderful visual peice of work addressing a not normally written about subject. Great visual pictures, words and rhythm. Amazing, great, great job. Deffinitly favoriting. :D

--
:jsenn:

v.s

:rose: :liquisoft:

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

**[S.T.]**
**Rebellion Without A Cause**
:icongetyourgrip:
not sure if this was Geoff inspired,
but it flows like it would be spoken
really fucking well.

--
Married to the pen,
and we're both having an affair
with the page.
:iconxxbrokenmemories:
you, and your words, are gorgeous.

--
love is giving someone the power to destroy you, and trusting them not to.

Details

October 14
1.1 KB

Statistics

38
178 [who?]
1,705 (2 today)
25 (0 today)

Share

Link
Thumb

Site Map