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Submitted on
March 11
Mature Content


23 (who?)
Mature Content Filter is On
(Contains: ideologically sensitive material)
let me tell you where i've been.

i've hidden in the sips of your coffee or tea, but you'd never know- you'd chalk it up to a bitter batch, maybe add a little more sugar.  you, my reader- you, my reason for writing, you my reason for confessing my sins- you would have let me slip through your teeth unnoticed.

it's alright, i think it's better that way.  drown me in something sweeter than myself.  fold me in the corner of your second-favourite book so that i don't spoil the best one.  let me stay at your house but don't give me the bed and lend me the oversize t-shirt you were about to give to goodwill.

i'll keep writing if you'll keep listening.

i've spent my time reminding myself where i've been.

i know it sounds crazy but hear me out.  what i mean is time.  past to present.  maybe future, i don't know.  but time- that much i do know.

every time i look in the mirror, i pinch and scratch, stretch and suck, and remember and envision and swear-and-pray-and-hope-and-wish-and-curse-and-promise-i-will-do-better-if-i-can-just-lose-thirty-goddamn-pounds-yes-it-has-been-around-thirty-pounds-in-three-years.  and not just pounds, but bones too.  those are harder to count.

better yet, i've been in treatment.  up and down, left and right, hospital and apartments and partials.  like light-leak exposures, broken cameras, half-pushed shutters.  three months of it.  i quit.  it's why i'm running myself ragged again, draining myself at night of hope and happiness i never had and putting in anything i can find- usually it's agonising thoughts of things i shouldn't have eaten, things i should've thrown up, what i would've looked like if i had never gone to treatment, or if i would've died by now.

i wonder what would've happened if i had taken twice the pills.  i wonder if i would have left love to hold itself in its own arms, to kiss its own tears away, to tell itself that everything would be alright; if i would never feel the scars that read like braille stories under my fingers, if i would never have lips that smile under mine anymore.

the infinite number of books i have left unread daunt me.  the fact that i have been published does too.  and the number of times i've said 'i love you' and meant it; the fact i still don't have any idea what i want to do with my life and i'm twenty-one; the fact that i've made it to twenty-one; how i can be this in love and this sad at the same time.

i will tell you where i've been, i will.  all i need is for someone to listen.
half update, half ramble, all emotional jibberjabber
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brokenglass16 Featured By Owner May 3, 2014  Student Writer
you are brilliant
ohsostarryeyed Featured By Owner May 24, 2014
whenyoumessup Featured By Owner Apr 3, 2014  Hobbyist
we're still listening. stay.
jamujamu158 Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
im listening.
Frumpelstiltskin Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2014
Perfect example of the confusion I feel lately, the almost impossible sense of aimlessness. But the fact that you're aware of it means you can take the first step to changing it. You are strong, and as long as you keep writing you will make it. Just the same for me. As long as I keep drawing, keep writing I will make it. Hold on tight. 
Claireluvs1D Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I'd always listen to you. It sounds like you've been through a lot, but you're still here, you've made it, and that is something to be proud of. Your writing is so emotional and absolutely stunning. Be proud of yourself, seriously. :)
kathleenfergie Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2014  Student Writer
that was really beautiful. first i've read of yours but it was very touching and it really made me feel a lot of things. i hope you keep writing because you make something quite lovely.
ohsostarryeyed Featured By Owner May 24, 2014
aww, thank you!
tree-pee Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2014
I'm still listening, and I will never get tired of your beautiful writing. The imagery, the symbolism, the connections I feel to your work make me tear up as if you're telling it all to me side by side. I feel like I know you more and more each time you pour your heart out in words, and I wish I had the confidence and skill to just say one word the way you can. I wish I could hug you. I wish someone would hug you.
ohsostarryeyed Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2014
thank you <3 i get plenty of hugs though, i'm glad for that
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